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The Story of Kevin and Corey

It’s hard for me to even write this. I can’t believe that all I have are memories, a record album, some mementos, and a t-shirt of Kevin’s that I sleep with because it still smells like him.

I met Kevin when I went to Atlantic City for Cathy’s 21st Birthday. I thought his crazy curly hair and Weezer glasses were cute but I didn’t really pay attention to him until he and I randomly began a conversation about Chuck Palahniuk, the author of Fight Club.

The summer after that was one of the best summers of my life. I became best friends with Cathy, and good friends with Jim and Kevin. I also became friends with Chuck and Thai. I integrated Sarah Neuman in also and we would all have fun just hanging out, drinking, and playing Taboo. In July, Cathy, Jim, Kevin, and I went to see Bruce Springsteen. I’ll never forget Kevin happy and dancing and singing in the pouring rain. I think that’s when I first realized I liked him. Fiesta Night was another awesome time, Cathy, Kevin and I eating tofu tacos and getting incredibly drunk.

In August, Kevin and I hung out alone for the first time and we kissed on the roof of his house. I was his girlfriend from then on. He was shy at first, but so sweet. I loved his adorable smile, and I miss that so much. The time he and I went to Tiki Bob’s for Lauren’s birthday was awesome too. Kevin and I danced all night and got left in Soho Pizza and had to take a taxi by ourselves. It was so much fun and it was cute how Lauren and Jolene wanted to meet me to see if I was good for Kev.

There is a picture of Kevin and I that really shows our relationship. It was taken at one of Chuck’s shows. When we were together, sometimes it felt like the rest of the world would grind to a halt. In the picture, there are people frozen in the background while Kevin and I have only eyes for each other and are both in mid-sentence. You can see in the picture that he is making me laugh. I miss so much how he used to make me laugh.
Halloween is another treasured memory of Kevin. Everyone remembers his Hulk costume and the “Bulge.” His sister Colleen, dressed as pirate, was there too and I know there’s no one in the world that Kevin loved more than his sister. Kevin was so happy the first time Colleen met me and liked me.
This past year carries so many wonderful memories. Kevin was at my apartment everyday or he and I were at Cathy’s. We had so much fun just doing random things. The time Cathy, Neuman, Kevin and I went to the zoo. Great times at Main St. and the Spot with everyone. Weekends, Jim would be down and we would all go out, sometimes to Chuck’s shows. One time Cathy, Neuman, Maria, Kevin and I went to all the way to Soho in Philly for pizza in the middle of the day. Kevin was driving in reverse in crazy Philly traffic. Dave and Busters for Kevin’s Birthday, where we got matching monkeys. Super Furry Animals concert in NYC with Colleen, Chuck, Cathy, Jim, Kevin and me.On Christmas, Kevin came to my house and knocked a candle into the turkey at dinner, covering a part of it in green wax. Valentine’s Day with Cathy, Jim, Kevin and I. My birthday in Philly. Sarah Neuman, Kevin, and I were in Shoprite at 2 a.m. once because we wanted pizza and all the pizza places were closed. The vision of Kevin dancing in Shoprite with a pizza in one hand and peppers in the other while singing “The Stuff that Dreams are Made Of ” makes me laugh every time I think of it.

Besides fun stories of Kevin, I have treasured memories of he and I alone. Most of them I’ll keep private, but one sticks out in particular. New Year’s Eve, we were all drunk and sitting around my living room. Kevin leaned over and whispered, “I love you” in my ear. It was very random and nonchalant. It’s hard to explain but it was such a special moment. Again, it felt like the rest of the world was at a halt and we were the only two people in motion.
I am honored and blessed to be the person who got to teach Kevin about love. He already knew about love because his friends were his family too. He loved all his friends and they loved him. But, I got to show Kevin what it is like to be love with someone and how it feels to have someone in love with you. I am so glad that I got to be that person in his life.

I can’t even explain in words what Kevin meant to me. I miss him so much. I miss waking up and seeing him in morning, I miss his snoring, I miss him touching me with his feet because I hated it, I miss wearing his glasses in the morning, I miss his smile, his humor, I miss the freckles on his back and arms. I miss sleeping with him; he would sleep with his arms around me all night. I miss hugging him, I miss kissing him, I miss jumping on him in the morning to wake him up. I miss him winning Taboo. I miss how he was always excited to see me. I miss how he would climb on my lap. I miss cutting his hair, and touching it. I miss making him food, I miss bringing him new Pez dispensers. I miss his laugh, I miss us all hanging out and listening to the Irish Pub CD. I miss that feeling of being the only two people in the world.

I know I broke up with him 3 weeks before he died and that I will regret it forever. I still loved him and we would still talk and I hope he forgave me. The last time I saw Kevin, I gave him a hug before he left. I know that’s such a small detail but it replays in my mind over and over. In my head, it’s like those three weeks didn’t happen, but they did, and I know I can never take them back.

I loved Kevin. I love him still. I know a part of me will always love him. I really do feel like a piece of my heart went with him. I know I made him happy and he made me happy. I don’t feel that my relationship with him was anymore important than his with anyone else, but it was different, we loved each other. But his relationship with each person in his life was different, that’s just how he was. He made each person feel special, because they were special to him. Kevin was that awesome person that everyone liked to have around. People who only met him one time can remember him vividly. It takes an amazing person to be able to care for mentally retarded people and love it. But, he saw everyone through uncritical eyes. Kevin will always remain a part of all of us. He will follow us through our own lives, but he will not remain a bystander. He lives on in our hearts, thoughts, memories, and stories.
I read somewhere that grief is a hole you have in your soul. The more you pick at it, the bigger it gets. But no matter what, it’s always there. That’s how it will be with Kevin. There will always be a hole where he used to be. But I will try not to pick at it; he would want us all to be happy again. He told me once that he was happy when I was happy. I try to think of that in my darkest moments. But I am not the same person I was before. I am still waiting for my real smile and my real laugh to return. Something is missing from them and I have a feeling that my real smile and my real laugh are gone forever....